What to do when you arrive at College
College is supposed to be a time when you begin to develop independence from your parents and family, but you’ve lived under the same roof as them for 18 years. To shut them out cold turkey isn’t too smart, and often pretty ineffective. So, as you head off to college, set up a plan to connect with your family and communicate with them regularly.
There’s a lot of change that will occur in your life while at college. Different things will happen, and you’ll be introduced to new and exciting ideas. Some of which can be pretty tempting, good or bad, so it’s important to have your family available to lean on during times of uncertainty. Your family is your solid foundation.
The First 6 Weeks
Plan on connecting with your family regularly for at least the first 6 weeks. Perhaps going home every weekend will be enough, maybe you’ll need to call your mom every evening or afternoon. Look at your schedule and pencil in a plan. If you’re far away, schedule a coffee or dinner date with your family and facetime with them once a week. Break up study sessions by texting your siblings with updates of what’s going on.
College provides a lot of unstructured time, inconsistent ideals and little accountability. A lot of illegal substances and immoral possibilities arise during college, especially during those first six weeks when you’re trying to solidify your identity away from your family. Whether you like it or not, this is a vulnerable time, so know what you’re going to do when temptation arises. Temptation doesn’t have to be alcohol, sex and drugs. Peer pressure tempts you to skip class, forget studying, stay up way too late, spend unnecessary money, watch videos that are immoral or unproductive.
There’s a large spectrum of temptations that occur at college that you may not be used to. There are a series of problems that can arise that undermine your health, safety and academic success. Let your family help you avoid such situations; you shouldn’t have to do it on your own.
Set up a scale. If the temptation is simple to walk away from, do it. If not, have a plan to reach out to your family. Maybe you have a code word with your brother when desires become a little too intense. Text him that code word and make sure he calls you to interrupt the situation. That phone call can be your excuse to walk away. If there’s an event that you know you should avoid, then do. Ask your mom if you can do a virtual date night instead. If you have plans set up, your friends will be more understanding and they’ll leave you alone. You may find that some of your new college buds will want to join your virtual movie and popcorn date with mom rather than attend the weekend frat party.
6 Weeks and Beyond
After 6 weeks, look at what has been effective and what hasn’t. Evaluate where you’re still struggling and may need a little more help and guidance. You won’t have to spend as much time seeking out support from your family, but it’s healthy to ease into a new schedule of contact.
It’s better to schedule time with family than to do it on the fly, especially as you plunge deeper into the school year and pressures begin to shift. Juggling class, work, social life and other responsibilities is intense. Make sure you set aside time to talk with family so they aren’t multi-tasking or in a position where they can’t chat. They should be able to focus on you, just like you should be able to focus on them. Setting up a regular phone call, such as every Sunday afternoon, can be a good way to establish a consistent routine and communication.
Communicating at College
When everything you’re familiar with changes, it’s possible that the way you communicate and connect with your family does too. As an adult, you’ll need to start communicating like one, so don’t brush off your parents just because they’re your parents. You can be independent without being prideful. Here’s some tips and standards to set when heading off to college:
- Reach out periodically and keep the lines of communication open.
- Talk to your parents about your daily routine, what you’re struggling with and your surroundings. You’re experiencing things you’ve never experienced before, so much is new and unfamiliar. Share with your parents and they can remind you of what is important and of value.
- Communicate if you’re in trouble – whether sexually active, drinking too much, missing class because you’re sleeping in, struggling with a particular subject, not getting along with your roommate.
- Give it to them straight. Don’t sugar coat things. They were your age once too and have experienced many of the same issues. That doesn’t mean that they transitioned through it correctly, but it does mean that they can handle the truth. If they don’t know what is really going on, then they can’t give you the help you actually need.
- Don’t minimize or justify your actions. If you do, don’t be offended when your parents ask for clarification or correct your actions, intentions or words. Be grateful that your parents are willing to do that for you.
- Let your parents be parents. Just because you’re old enough to take care of yourself, doesn’t mean that you can now ignore everything they say. Let them lay down the law for you, then you can figure out how to manage your way through it. This is especially important if you find yourself in trouble or near to trouble. You may not agree with where your parents stand, but if you don’t let them state their thoughts then you won’t know. (You can assume, but you’ll find yourself surprised by how often your assumptions of your parents are inaccurate).
- Follow-up debriefing conversations are very helpful. Be honest with your parents about how things went down and what the repercussions are that you’re now facing.
- Stay focused on one topic at a time. It’s easy to skip around, or feel like you need to cover everything, but take the time to discuss everything that needs to be discussed thoroughly. There is certainly a time and place for touching base on the laundry list of things that need to be worked through.
- If you said something wrong, you can always correct yourself. Even during a later conversation.
Your parent’s role and responsibility in your life is to protect and guide you. Their desire is to make sure you are healthy and safe. They’ll do this for life, not just 18 years. Let them do it!
Your family knows your goals and future plans. Let them help you reach those ambitions. Most students who reach their goals in life claim that it’s the influence and support of their parents that helped them get there.
